It’s never positive either. We always wish we took up less space, or that we could appear to take up
more and it always comes down to the same thing, “a need for control.” That is, as Kyle Lukoff puts
it, “the commonest analysis of anorexics,” but also, in my opinion, one of the key features of
humanity. It seems like one of the greatest fears that shows up subtly but underlines so many aspects
of life is lack of control, or enough control. It’s not common to hear someone say they want less
control over their life. To say that would almost be spitting in the face of anorexics, prisoners,
students, and anyone else who struggles just to be able to make the simplest decisions for
themselves.
But there is another side to space. There are some of us, myself included, who have been taught
not only to embrace our size, but to use it. I have always been tall. Since elementary school I have
consistently been one of the tallest kids in the room and that was only the beginning. Later on I
started to put on weight and take up space outwardly as well as upwardly. But it’s not only physical
size that comes into play. Once my voice dropped I had to become even more aware of my ‘size’
because now, I could not only be seen from anywhere, but I could also be heard from everywhere.
Size and influence are so tightly bound that they can often be construed as the same thing. So
whether it was a football coach, weightlifting partner, or a speaking group, I was taught to use my
‘size’ to my advantage. In physical encounters the advantage is much more obvious but in speech I
automatically have the ability to command the room since my voice resonates and travels so well.
Add that to physical stature and you have one of the best examples of ‘sticking out like a sore thumb’
in terms of masculinity.
Kyle Lukoff, as we read, has exactly the opposite problem. From the beginning he has always
wanted to take up less space. Even as a little girl he “fled to traditional trappings of femininity” which
include not taking up space and being as modest as possible. So of course he would want to control
how much he weighed by controlling his eating habits.
This is very interesting because I have a similar experience. Growing up, I was always the taller girl (up until high school), and I've always had wider shoulders that most of my peers, so I have always been acutely aware of how much space I took up. I always used it to my advantage because I could play sports with the boys, and I was just as loud as they were. But when I got to high school, having that influence as you called it was undesirable. But there was nothing I could do to change the power in my voice or the size of my body without going to extremes like Kyle Lukoff did, so I took another route. I started to slouch and I stopped talking during class. It's always struck me as odd how guys are taught to command as much space and influence as possible even if they are unassuming people, and women are taught the opposite regardless of if that's natural for them as a person.
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