No One Asked for This

One of my mother’s dearest friends when we lived in Dallas, my “Uncle” John, was diagnosed HIV positive the year I was born. John was gay. After moving to El Paso, we visited him once or twice, but as his illness progressed and my mother became busier trying to wrangle me into growing up, our contact with him became limited to monthly phone calls and the three tins of polvorones my mother would bake for him at Christmastime.  The cookies were a big deal, every first weekend of December we’d churn out dozens of them to send to John—they were a favorite of his that his mother used to make and served as a depressingly sweet reminder that even though he was suffering through the holiday season alone, his friends out west loved him and were thinking about him. After John’s diagnosis, he lost everything. His friends abandoned him, the stigma of his diagnosis’ ties to the gay community was too great (still, in ’94). His family life, strained for years, fell apart when his body did.

Reading Mark Doty’s, “Tiara,” I couldn't help but think of John, who died alone in his apartment, on hospice, 16 years after he was first diagnosed. A year before he died my mother made a final attempt on John’s behalf to reach out to his family, he has begun deteriorating rapidly and wanted to see his mother one last time. My mother’s phone call ended when his mother referred to him as a “dirty f*ggot” before hanging up. He died alone because the world thought he asked for it. 

My mother, who has been a nurse for 40 years, still remembers the first patient she cared for in the hospital who was dying of Kaposi’s sarcoma (AIDS-related cancer that appears as lesions on the skin):

“We didn’t know what it was but we knew it was bad. The only cases we saw were gay men. They didn’t come to see us until they were already too sick for us to do anything except try and make them comfortable. No one would come to visit them in the hospital, not even their partners. They [other gay men] did not want to be associated with the disease. It was so sad. At the time, we didn’t understand how it was spread and we didn’t wear gloves to draw blood or insert IVs, but it was the eighties. We’ve learned a lot since then.”

A few years ago, I took Roger Platizky’s “Gay and Lesbian Literary Culture” course and as a requirement we were asked to attend the World AIDS Day service that Roger leads every year. After a candlelight vigil around campus, Roger led us to Wynne Chapel where he had a notebook full of people he knew and lost to AIDS and asked us to write down the names of anyone we knew who had an AIDS-related death. After writing John’s name and taking my seat, the service began. I lasted a whopping 15 minutes before losing my marbles over a poem Roger wrote from the perspective of a friend who died looking at his square on the AIDS Quilt. Spending a semester with Roger and going over gay literary responses to the AIDS crisis did not make John’s death easier for me to understand; if anything, it became more complicated.

Now, 7 years after John’s death, inundated in information on homosexuality and homosexual identity formation since taking Roger’s course (and this one), I struggle to understand—who would ever ask for this?

Space, Influence, Control

     How much space we take up is, and always will be, something that is on so many people’s minds. 

It’s never positive either. We always wish we took up less space, or that we could appear to take up 

more and it always comes down to the same thing, “a need for control.” That is, as Kyle Lukoff puts 

it, “the commonest analysis of anorexics,” but also, in my opinion, one of the key features of 

humanity. It seems like one of the greatest fears that shows up subtly but underlines so many aspects 

of life is lack of control, or enough control. It’s not common to hear someone say they want less 

control over their life. To say that would almost be spitting in the face of anorexics, prisoners, 

students, and anyone else who struggles just to be able to make the simplest decisions for 

themselves. 

     But there is another side to space. There are some of us, myself included, who have been taught 

not only to embrace our size, but to use it. I have always been tall. Since elementary school I have 

consistently been one of the tallest kids in the room and that was only the beginning. Later on I 

started to put on weight and take up space outwardly as well as upwardly. But it’s not only physical 

size that comes into play. Once my voice dropped I had to become even more aware of my ‘size’ 

because now, I could not only be seen from anywhere, but I could also be heard from everywhere. 

Size and influence are so tightly bound that they can often be construed as the same thing. So 

whether it was a football coach, weightlifting partner, or a speaking group, I was taught to use my 

‘size’ to my advantage. In physical encounters the advantage is much more obvious but in speech I 

automatically have the ability to command the room since my voice resonates and travels so well. 

Add that to physical stature and you have one of the best examples of ‘sticking out like a sore thumb’ 

in terms of masculinity.

     Kyle Lukoff, as we read, has exactly the opposite problem. From the beginning he has always 

wanted to take up less space. Even as a little girl he “fled to traditional trappings of femininity” which

include not taking up space and being as modest as possible. So of course he would want to control 

how much he weighed by controlling his eating habits.

Beauty Standards From Around The Select Countries I Chose

With our recent focus on beauty standards in the classroom, I have taken some interest in finding how the standards we are used to here in America compare to those around the world. Unsurprisingly, there was a plethora of studies and even videos doing just that, some of which had some data that seemed to go completely against the typical western standard of beauty.  One video done in 2014 (linked at the end of post) showed a woman who sent a picture of herself to photoshop editor around the world and asked them to simply "Make me beautiful."  The different transformations sent back were incredible, but one thing that really stuck out to me was towards the end of the video when they showed how the US editor portrayed the woman.  The editor had basically reshaped her entire head so that it was about 1/3 the size it used to be and shrinking her hairstyle, aligning with our recent readings that emphasized the how women were expected to "take up less space".  Interestingly enough, editors from countries such as the Philippines exaggerated her facial features by adding makeup  and volumizing her hair by straightening it and it having it drop past her shoulders.  However, this type of hairstyle is very uncommon as a large portion of Philippine woman have curled hair, which seems to suggest that countries find beauty in what is in contrast to their natural beauty.  

When it came to makeup, a UK study found that women spend 474 days of their life applying it to themselves, and another survey done in the US found that 91% of women would rather cancel a first date than attend it without makeup on.  This just goes to show how much pressure it put onto women to hide their true face, whereas men do not typically have to worry about the same kind of judgment. At least, that's what's typical.  It seems that in East Asian countries, especially South Korea, even men are expected to be above a certain standard of beauty. In S. Korea, a headshot and even your weight is expected on formal applications such as resumes, which comes to no surprise coming from a country that has the highest per capita rate for plastic surgery.  There exist what is known as the "flower boy" concept in which is similar to the "pretty boy" look we see in the US.  And yet the western influence does not stop there, for the most highly sought for plastic surgery treatment for men in S.Korea is nose surgery.  They are given higher nose bones so that they look more like westerners, and similarly women often attempt to switch their monolids to that of the typical western double eyelid.  

Despite the heavy focus on physical beauty, surveys done in multiple countries seem to suggest at that at least 60% of people look for an inner beauty when looking for a partner.  This goes to show that looks aren't everything, and everyone can come off as more attractive simply be being a kind and humble human being.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RT9FmDBrewA  <-----link to beauty standards video

She's plus size?

In recent times, body positivity has been on the rise. Just look at any Dove™ commercial, and you see various body types being celebrated. Celebration of once taboo features, such as cellulite or stretch marks, are also becoming more common. Though progress has been made, society’s push for the “perfect figure” is still dominant.

This year, many were excited to see Calvin Klein announce their first plus size model. The change from the typical stick thin model made things hopeful for a change in beauty standards. Unfortunately, this change did not happen quite as we expected.

Myla Dalbesio, only measuring at a whopping size 10, was not what people expected for a plus size model. Many people criticized and mocked the company.  Some joked that the lack of visible ribs was the criteria to make her plus size. This controversy, leads to the question: can we ever change the norm?

Women are often subjected to change their bodies for the approval of others. Most of the standards women face stem from the approval of men. Even at a young age, women a taught that the man is the end goal, and her life is complete with him. For children, Disney is the biggest perpetrator. A princess’ happiness is not achieved until she marries the prince. As seen with Sexton’s Cinderella, women must fit into the male’s idea of perfection (represented by the shoe) to the point that self-mutilation is used to achieve this.

Today, in order to conform to this ideal, society shares an expectation by a sort of unspoken set of guidelines. This use of body policing, somewhat forces women into activities to gain approval. Some of this control is exerted through harmless means such as the expectations for shaving natural body hair or the use of cosmetics to achieve a perfect look. But this can quickly lead to more harmful means, such as drastic regulation of consumption in attempt to control the figure and various cosmetic surgeries such as liposuction and Botox. Just as Cinderella’s sisters, the need for perfection and approval can cause women to adjust their natural bodies.

No wonder 20 million girls developed some sort of eating disorder within their lifetime. These pressures brought on by society forces women to conform. This exploitation of female insecurities is very detrimental. This self-mutilation is only perpetuated through the media, as seen with Klein’s choice in models. Acceptance of any body type should be our cultural norm, but unfortunately, it’s not. Inclusionary norms may be accepted in the future, I believe self-love and support of others is the best step we can take now.

It's Okay, I'm Used to it

            Before I took this class I understood and could see blatant sexism, but it’s the underlying sexism that you may not pick up on until you’re really looking for it. In this blog post I’ll share a story from my own life and a story my friend experienced.

            A few years ago I went with my church to help fix and clean up Camp Gilmont. It was an experience I was excited for because I loved spending time with my friends in my youth group, and spending an entire weekend with them was such a treat. The first job we were assigned was to clear the walkway of the many logs strewn about. I grew up camping and doing a lot of physical activity, so lifting and moving logs wasn’t a big issue for me. I began moving the logs, but my friend’s father decided it was not okay for me to be lifting logs on my own, so he took the log from me and told me I should do a job more suited for a girl. In that moment, I was pretty upset, but being raised with a conservative extended family I was used to the implications that I couldn’t perform certain tasks because of my gender. Thinking back to moments like this makes me sad that women, not just me, experience sexism every day and just brush it off as a natural occurrence instead of facing it head on and fighting the “social norms.”

            This next story both my friend Grace and I’ve experienced. When we were in high school there was this boy who would always make crude comments about our bodies and the activities we do. One day he decided making comments about our bodies wasn’t good enough, so when we had a passing period he lifted our skirts and grabbed our butts. It was mortifying and so upsetting, but we didn’t report it. I understand now that I should’ve reported the incident, but sophomore me thought there were bigger issues the school had to deal with than a guy grabbing girls butts. But that is the mentality many people have, and little incidents become bigger and bigger until we’re victim blaming.

            What really makes me upset is that my experiences don’t even compare to those of women around the world. I don’t mean to sound like a total white feminist, but if I’m experiencing these smaller sexist instances, what are my peers experiencing around me? We need to understand that women aren’t objects that men can use for their pleasure, and women need to understand that they can stand up for themselves against sexist comments and actions.

Gender Discrimination is a Strange Thing

**Stranger Things Spoilers Ahead**

This Thanksgiving while most of you were stuffing your faces with delicious meals and probably dismissing blatant gender biases in the kitchen, my day was spent contemplating gender discrimination thanks to my mom who decided to make (force, really) me to binge watch Stranger Things, a Netflix original series that took the internet by storm this year.

Now, I’ve heard some great reviews of this show and one thing I kept in mind while observing the show was how many social implications about sex and gender the show actually highlighted. I found that the series made remarks on gender discrimination in the law enforcement, assumptions on relationships and how no relationship or character is ever as simple and plainly narrative as many shows would have us believe, and I felt that the show did a masterfully interesting way of doing just that.

First, the most noticeable gender discrimination that occurred in Stranger Things was between law enforcement officers and women. It seemed every woman who filed an issue with the police department or had to come in for questioning was harassed or discriminated against for, you guessed it, being female. One character (Nancy), when answering questions about her missing friend, was interrogated about spending time with a boy and asked questions that were completely irrelevant to the investigation for her friend. A mother (Joyce) whose son was the first victim of a missing child’s case was ridiculed for saying her child wasn’t dead, then when the police officers were questioning her, they continued to diminish her concern by judging her for being a single mother and working full time- as if that had anything to do with her child being kidnapped and missing. The law enforcement officers continuously dismissed women throughout the show, calling them hysterical, emotional, and making off handed remarks about their bodies.

Women were not the only ones suffering from assumptions made due to their born gender. One teenage boy (Jonathan), gets into a fight with another boy and with little context, it would be easy for one to assume that he initiates the fight because of his love for a girl. At the police station, a secretary gives the girl (Nancy, the assumed love interest) an ice pack for the boy and after she says he’s not her boyfriend, the older woman tells her, “Only love makes a guy do something so crazy.” Anyone who is a sucker for love stories would have accepted that narrative and thought “Oh no, now Nancy is gonna have to let him down easy. This is awkward,” however when Jonathan engages in the fight it is only after the other boy mentions his mother and starts to trash talk his family that he turns around and beats him up. Jonathan didn’t get into a fight because he loves Nancy, but rather because he didn’t want his family insulted. However, without knowing that small detail, the characters continue an awkward, incorrect understanding of each other because Nancy won’t approach him and the series continues with her under the assumption that he loves her, even though there was so much more going on in Jonathan’s head. Some relationships are platonic or simply never become sexual and this series touches on it in a fascinating way. Rather than change the narrative completely, it seems the writers still follow the classic love narrative but give the viewers an extra bit of information that reveals how complex issues for individual characters really are. People can still follow the narrative if they wish, but they have to try harder to be ignorant to the rest of the information that alludes the truth.

These archetype narratives that so many stories abide by are not only dull, but also widely non-reflective of issues between different characters. Stranger Things was able to use these narratives in a way that helps its audience see issues in gender discrimination that do still exist in society today. I think people become comfortable in their present-day situations and we like to claim that we’re better, more progressive than we were 30 years ago, but despite this claim that’s not the whole truth. There is still a lot of progress that could be reached in the way of gender equality and Stranger Things has played its part.